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Baptist Humor Page

Are you joyful for Christ?

Baptists aren’t sour-pusses, we be jus’ dig-nif-ied!!!
But a merry heart doeth good like a medicine!! So take your medicine!!!

Contents:  Baptist's That Make Us Laugh So Hard That We Want To Cry!    Independent Baptists Don't Do That!    Three Chairs for the Baptists!    What I Prefer   How to Find a Baptist Wife

What I Prefer

"Dolphin with my tuna."
"That old growth trees be used for senior citizens' housing."
"That fur seals live up to their name."
"That death-row inmates are saved before they are executed."
"Music that is!"
"Free-range vegetables."

 

"Biscuits and gravy on the half-shell."
"Things that are black and white instead of a checkerboard."
"That the orchestra stand up and the conductor sit down."
"Ladies that are."
"That the Jews keep their land and the Arabs keep quiet."
"That autobiographies should be written in cars."
"Long term life insurance for the short term."

Independent Baptists Don’t Do That!!

We don’t go to the beach—we go to the coast!

We don’t gossip—we share prayer requests!

We don’t have parties—we have fellowships!

We don’t go on vacations—we take missionary trips!

We don’t wear britches—we wear long, tight culottes!

We don’t get angry—we just share our feelings!

We don’t lust—we just appreciate beauty!

We don’t live beyond our means—we just enjoy God’s blessings!

We don’t preach unprepared—we just let the Spirit fill our mouths!

We don’t run up credit cards—we just don’t want to carry cash!

We don’t neglect to witness—we just "live" the life!

We don’t go to the movies—we just rent videos!

We don’t argue—we just have long, heated discussions!

We don’t get mad—we just have righteous indignation!

We are not worldly—we are just contemporary!

We are not foolish—we are just full of faith!

We are not acting stupidly—we are just trusting God!

We don’t rob God—we just don’t feel led to give!

We don't solicit fellow church membersówe just want them to be healthy, wealthy and wise like us!

HAVE ONE TO SHARE?
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Three Chairs For the Baptists!

Ken Orr, a minister of the Sovereign Grace Bible Presbyterian Church (email Ken), meets three Baptist evangelists on the golf course. He invites them to visit his services. Not too long thereafter, and just as the service is starting, they show up.

Attendance was good at Sovereign Grace Bible Presbyterian, and there wasn’t a pew available. Several folks were already seated on folding chairs. When Ken saw the three Baptist evangelists enter, he leaned down from the pulpit and whispered to the nearest usher, "Please get three chairs for my Baptist friends in the back."

The usher, hard of hearing, leaned closer and said, "I beg your pardon?"

"Get three chairs for my Baptist friends," Ken whispered louder. The usher strained closer with a puzzled look still on his face.

Once more Ken tried, speaking slowly and distinctly. "Three chairs. For the Baptists," he enunciated.

The usher’s face lit up in comprehension, and he turned to face the congregation.

"All right, everybody," he called out to the assembled worshippers, "Three cheers for the Baptists!"

Baptist's That Make Us Laugh So Hard That We Want To Cry!

True Bethel Baptist Church of Buffalo, N.Y. added a Subway restaurant in a corner of their building some two years ago.  Pastor Dennis Pridgen created a parking pattern to keep restaurant traffic from displacing churchgoers during services.  "The church will always come first," said Pastor Pridgen, as he munched on a free Turkey Club with Cheese!  (Herald-Tribune)

My preacher friend  was pulled over by a policeman.  "Please don't give me a ticket; I'm just a poor preacher," he said.
"I know," said the policeman, "I heard you preach last night."

The Top 15 Scriptural Ways to Find a Baptist Wife

1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails and give her some new clothes.  (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a harlot and marry her.  (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with 7 daughters and impress him by watering his flock.  (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property and get a woman as part of the deal.  (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide.  When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be yours.  (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep.  (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work 7 years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage.  Get tricked into marrying the older sister.  Then work another 7 years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place.  That is what is called a "two-fer."  (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut off the personal property of 200 of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife.  (1 Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone that mystifies everyone else.  (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a great nation and hold a beauty contest.  (Esther 2:3-4)
11. When you see someone you want, go home and tell your parents.  If your parent's question your decision, simply demand her.  (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill the husband of the woman of your choice and marry her.  (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother-in-law to die and take his widow.  (Ruth)
14. Don't be so about that certain one.  Make up for quality with quantity.  (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?.....Not!  1 Corinthians 7:32-35

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